A man wearing a suit has appeared on television last night accurately forecasting an increase in the stock market last week.

“We’re bullish on what happened a few days ago,” said Michael Shank from the Britannia Shares hedge fund group.

“BS has accurately predicted any moves that happened anywhere prior to the time now.”

Shank says BS derives all of its forecasts from ceteris paribus (‘all other things being equal’), which never actually happens in real life.

“We can successfully attribute any errors in future predictions to the limitless number of factors that can impact markets,” says Shank.

“Really, we’re spoilt for choice.”

“Next week we might go with a shift in market expectations, the week after that maybe it will be a change in the shift of expectations of changes in interest rates.”