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Israel Folau Blames Bonds Gay Underwear Ad For Victoria Bushfire Threat

Sacked Wallabies international Israel Folau has blamed the new Bonds gay underwear advertisement for the Code Red bushfire threats issued in Victoria.

On Wednesday, footage emerged of the born-again-Christian delivering another sermon at the Church of Jesus Christ in Kenthurst, claiming the latest bushfire threats are a message from God for Bonds to retract their new advertising campaign.

“I just spoke to God and he said, ‘A man and a woman should be together in a Bonds ad,’” Folau told those in attendance. 

“God told me, ‘You have changed the law and changed the ordinance of these things, look how rampant these bush fires, these droughts…all these things have come in a short period of time. Do you think it’s a coincidence or not?’”

“God is speaking to Bonds. They need to repent.”

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Retirees Now Asking How They Can Get Free Money Through Franking Credits

A record number of retirees are now quizzing their local members and questioning financial advisors about how they too can receive free money from the government in the form of so-called “franking credits”.

71-year-old retiree Beryl Hattie contacted a local financial advisor today to enquire about getting her free money.

“They told me I couldn’t afford to get the free money,” says Hattie.

According to AFR chief economist Ben Neuman only around 4 per cent of the population can afford to receive the cash handout.

“It’s quite easy to get free money from the government. You just have to be wealthy, and then invest in the stock market,” says Neuman.

“Many retirees and soon-to-be-retirees who thought they could receive some extra free cash were wrong. Firstly, they need to get rich.”

Image: Pixa

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Price Of Peter Dutton’s 8 Investment Properties Drop 4.8% In 2018

The value of Peter Dutton’s eight investment properties has fallen sharply by 4.8% in 2018.

“My profits from negative gearing have plummeted from 562% to 557%” Dutton told reporters.

“We said we were trying to reduce prices for first-home buyers but we didn’t actually want this to eventuate.”

Many first-home buyers now have more of an opportunity to enter the property market at the unintended cost of baby-boomers’ profit margins.

“We didn’t think our virtue-signalling to help first-home buyers would actually have an impact.”

Peter Dutton may not be able to afford his 11th investment property in 2019.

“Don’t get me wrong though, I will buy my 9th and 10th.”

Image: ABC

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Christmas Card Has Way Too Much White Space To Fill

A Christmas card purchased this week for some relative has an overabundance of white space on the inside.

“Geez, are you kidding me? How the hell am I going to be able to fill all of that in?” thought local man Rohan Casey.

Casey steeled himself to fill in at least 50% of the white space in line with unspoken Christmas card writing conventions.

“Any less than 50% and it will look like I didn’t try,” said Casey.

Casey tried to come up with something original, however reverted back to some trusty fail-safe phrases beginning with “I hope”.

Casey was forced to finish off his message with, “I hope you have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year”, despite the almost identical phrase already being printed right in the middle of the inside of the card.

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Heiress Gina Rinehart Says She “Hates Being Called Heiress”

Australia’s richest woman Heiress Gina Rinehart says she “hates” being called “an heiress”.

“I worked my butt off being the daughter of my extremely well-to-do father Lang Hancock,” says Heiress Rinehart.

“I worked hard being born into a rich family.”

Heiress Rinehart says other women need to try harder if they want to be born into a rich family.

Heiress Gina Rinehart inherited over $75 million upon her father’s death in 1992, with the heiress succeeding him as executive chairman of the company Hancock Prospecting.

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African Gangs Vanish After Victorian Election

The overwhelming numbers of African gangs causing havoc around Melbourne have reportedly disappeared shortly following the Victorian state election.

Victorians say they now feel safe to put their bins out alone or even go out for dinner in the CBD.

“I feel safe enough to get out of my car now the election is over,” says one local man.

Analysts say Premier Daniel Andrews has either solved the African gang problem in a little over one week or the gangs have moved to Sydney for the upcoming New South Wales election.

Image: Pixa

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Grandpa Excited Melbourne Terror Attack Allowing Him To Vilify Muslims

A grandfather living in regional Victoria is thrilled at the opportunity to demonise Muslims after the lone-wolf terror attack in Melbourne on Friday.

“You beauty, just in time for Christmas gatherings,” says David Shaw.

“I’m not a racist because Muslims are not a race,” says the 34-year-old bigot.

“We shouldn’t be letting in so many bloody immigrants into this country anyway,” Shaw continued.

Police have announced that the immigrant killed immigrant Sisto Malaspina.

There have been three times as many bee sting deaths as terror victims in Australia in the past decade, but Shaw still likes bees.

Aboriginals agree with Shaw that immigrants have caused misery in this country.

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Bored Man “Doesn’t Need To Drink To Have A Good Time”

Insisting there is nothing more pleasurable than being in full control, local man Nathan Edison told partygoers he doesn’t need alcohol to have fun or acquire a buzz.

“Oh this, this is a Cran-Raspberry Mocktini, I don’t need to drink to have a good time,” said a largely disinterested Edison after sneaking a peek at his cell phone to check if he hadn’t missed any notifications.

According to reports, Edison regularly enjoys taking full advantage of being able to drive home before 9 p.m. if a party has yet to commence going off the rails, usually employing this positive externality after five rounds of petting the host’s dog.

At press time, Edison was asleep in his own bed.

“I got a decent 8 hour buzz last night,” said a fully energized Edison at sunrise after cooking eggs benedict and a wild side menu of sweet crepes with caramelized pears.

Image: Flickr/hamed

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Cyclist Forgets To Wear Lycra, Arrives To Work 2.9 Seconds Late

A cyclist commuting to work this morning has clocked on later than usual after forgetting to wear his Lycra.

“I could hardly feel the breeze flowing through my hair I was going so slowly,” said Brian Lanning.

“It almost felt as if I was going backwards.”

Lanning typically keeps up with the motorised vehicles on the road when he’s fully decked out in Lycra, but struggled to reach any sort of reasonable speed this morning wearing a normal t-shirt and shorts.

“These regular shorts just don’t have the appropriate aerodynamic qualities as my spandex shorts.”

Lanning has blamed his spandexless day on cars.

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Disgraceful: Breastfeeding Woman On Train Fails To Offer Milk To Fellow Passengers

A “packed commuter train” in London says it was forced to go milkless because a breastfeeding UK mother wouldn’t offer them a drink.

But commuters on the train also said they didn’t ask her because: “We shouldn’t have to ask”.

Kate Hitchens posted a selfie to Instagram breastfeeding her selfish six-month-old son Charlie.

“Yeah, Charlie was fine, but what about me?” said 48-year-old commuter Peter Hamilton.

“I was parched.”

One passenger looked up from a book directly at Ms Hitchens, but before she could offer the man a drink Charlie was back at it.

“The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree with this family,” thought 59-year-old accountant Phil Rogers.

“Next time you see someone thirsty on the train — if you’re breastfeeding please offer them a drink.”

Image: Instagram/Kate Hitchens’ Kitchen BLW Club