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Low-Income Earner Scrapes Through First Round Of Centrelink Qualifications

Unemployed Centrelink contestant Trevor Milligan has successfully scraped through the first round of Newstart allowance qualifications.

Several obstacles were deliberately erected in Milligan’s path to prevent him from persisting with his challenge, but he was able to endure the difficulties through sheer determination.

“Just starting the course took a couple of hours waiting on hold,” said Milligan.

“And then it was quite intimidating going through the trial while a whole bunch of people were sitting on the sidelines waiting for me to finish.”

Centrelink says there will be more fun for the whole family with exciting new obstacles being implemented each week.

“If you have any sort of disability, then you are in for a real treat,” said government spokesman Gary Jenkins.

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Entertainment

Channel Seven Broadcasts “Extraordinary” “Marvellous” “Incredible” Paralympic Replays

Channel Seven has aired “extraordinary” “spectacular” “inspirational” “astonishing” “amazing” replays of the Paralympics.

Simon Patmore won Australia’s first Paralympic gold medal in 16 years, which was seen live by the crowd.

“And now we will cross to this unbelievable gold medal moment that happened just 36 hours ago while we were running repeats of Pawn Stars,” said presenter Melanie McLaughlin.

Channel Seven has broadcast “incredible” replays on one of their five channels late at night while most people are getting ready for bed.

“The one-hour replay package is second to none because we’ve had over a day to put it all together,” says Channel Seven Managing Director Tim Worner.

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Entertainment

Criticism Over Forcible Removal Of Sunrise Panellist’s Tanned Skin ‘PC Gone Mad’

Commentator Prue MacSween’s tanned skin was forcibly removed from her body this week on Channel Seven’s Sunrise.

Sunrise co-host Sam Armytage said it was “for the wellbeing” of her own segment.

Armytage says the tanned skin was highly offensive and faced potential abuse.

A white family in inner city Sydney will adopt MacSween’s tanned skin.

Armytage reacted to criticisms over the forcible removal of MacSween’s dark body part saying it was just “political correctness gone mad”.

“Are we now living in a society where we can’t peel off someone’s dark skin – where does it end?”

“We’re hoping a white South African farmer may be able to take on the job of looking after MacSween’s tanned skin,” said Armytage.

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Inspirational: Peter Hitchener Hasn’t Left His Desk For 21 Years

Peter ‘Hitch’ Hitchener has cemented his position as one of Australia’s most respected journalists after entering his third consecutive decade at the same desk reading words off a computer screen.

“I know I can trust a man with more than two decades of experience sitting at one table,” says local woman Michelle Harbrook.

Hitchener says he owes his success to the eight by 1.5-meter mahogany news desk that “just screams truth”.

“This magnificent table with an exiquisite glass surface finish has become like a home to me – I can’t even remember when I last stepped inside the family house.”

A tube transporting liquefied food from under the desk directly into Hitchener’s stomach exemplifies his unrivalled commitment to the fourth estate and holding power to account.

“Leaving my desk is not an option,” says a defiant ‘Hitch’.