ANZ, CBA Lift Interest Rates Citing An Increase In “Legal Costs”

ANZ and the Commonwealth Bank have followed Westpac by increasing variable home loan rates, both citing an increase in “legal costs”.

ANZ will increase its variable home loan interest rates by 16 basis FU points, while CBA’s rates will rise by 15 basis FU points.

“ANZ had to raise the rates due to a rising number of lawyers we had to hire to defend all the crimes we were committing,” said ANZ’s group executive for Australia Fred Ohlsson.

“Lawyers aren’t cheap these days.”

Ohlsson told reporters the increase in interest rates would also help transfer the cost of fines for fees-for-no-service and charging dead people from the bank to customers.

“We have to pass on the cost of our crimes to the consumer,” said Ohlsson.

“This was a difficult decision given we know the impact rising interest rates have on family budgets and therefore how much negative publicity this would give us.

“This is why we waited for Westpac to announce their interest rate hike first – but in the end we knew it wouldn’t matter because we are too big to fail.”

More to come.

Image: ABC

Business National

NAB Super Chair Nicole Smith Didn’t Think Taking Commissioner Hayne’s Wallet Was A Crime

The head of the trustee responsible for NAB’s superannuation funds told the royal commission she never thought taking Commissioner Kenneth Hayne’s wallet while they were both residing in the tea room was a crime.

During questioning of Nicole Smith, commissioner Kenneth Hayne asked whether her conduct raised a question of the criminal law.

“[Was there] any contemplation of a criminal proceeding? Ever?” Mr Hayne said.

Ms Smith said that was not contemplated, prompting Mr Hayne to ask: “Did you think yourself that taking my money to which you had no entitlement raised a question for criminal law?”

Ms Smith replied that she did not.

“Are you sure that when you were slipping your hand into my pocket to pilfer my wallet, it never occurred to you that it may be a crime?” asked Mr Hayne.

Ms Smith replied that she did not.

Ms Smith said she was planning on giving Mr Hayne the opportunity to opt-in to getting his wallet back.

“Were you going to tell me I could opt-in?” asked Mr Hayne.

“No,” she replied.

Business National

Coles: We said no originally, then we said yes, then we said no, and we’ve stuck to it

Coles has denied doing a backflip on its free plastic bags policy and will recommence charging customers after August 29.

“We said no originally, then we said yes, then we said no, and we’ve stuck to it,” says Coles managing director John Durkan.

“I said we would be abolishing non-plastic bags, not wouldn’t – it’s a double negative.”

The supermarket giant reversed its stance on discontinuing free single-use plastic bags by offering free thicker plastic bags, as many customers couldn’t carry food and were dying from starvation.

Coles has now placed a limit on giving away the thicker 15-cent plastic bags and will be holding weekly seminars explaining how to survive without plastic bags.

“We’ll be introducing free lectures across the country to help people understand how they can carry things in cotton or linen bags,” says Durkan.


Commonwealth Bank Failed To Inform Customers After Losing Morals

The Commonwealth Bank has confirmed it did not follow company protocol and failed to notify customers that it had lost the majority of its morals.

“We didn’t want to alarm anyone,” says the Commonwealth Bank’s acting head of retail banking, Angus Sullivan.

Mr Sullivan has defended the bank’s decision not to inform customers, saying it had discussed the matter with the Office of the Australian Information Commissioner (OAIC), which told the bank no further action needed to be taken.

“They said we didn’t have to do anything,” Sullivan told reporters.

The bank says there is no documentation providing evidence that the lost morals had actually been destroyed.

“You still can’t actually prove that we’re morally bankrupt,” said Sullivan.

“And we were right not to inform the public, we can now see that it would have caused widespread panic.”

Business World

McDonald’s Reverses Logo Back To ‘M’ For 364 Men’s Days

In an innovative initiative, McDonald’s has flipped the ‘W’ back over to ‘M’ for the remaining 364 men’s days of the year.

“Yesterday was a celebration of 6 out of 10 store managers being women, working on less than a living wage,” says McDonald’s CEO Stephen Eggbrook.

“For the rest of the year we celebrate 87% of our male staff on zero hour contracts.”

McDonald’s has donated Thursday’s International Women’s Day ‘W’ packaging to all female staff facing poverty and homelessness.

Eggbrook says that’s a lot of burger packages donated to the needy.

“After finishing a long shift earning all of that minimum wage it was just great to get that extra reward of a yellow ‘w’ to look at,” said one female employee.


CEO: “Unstable Part-time Employment Essential For Company Stability”

A company executive has reiterated the importance of employing people on an insecure basis to ensure corporate stability.

“How do you expect one to prosper without certainty,” says CEO Jeffrey Billings.

“It’s just imperative that we have security to thrive and flourish.”

This week Billings announced 100 staff members will have their contracts terminated to help cut costs and sure up a more sheltered path towards a steady stream of revenue.

“Full-time employees are a liability to the stability of our firm,” said Billings.

Bllings said “time is money” and a lot of money was lost listening to 56-year-old employee Tim Newman whinging about how he has three young kids to feed.

“It’s no longer our concern how Tim pays his mortgage, it is more vital to us that our business maintains a healthy level of stability.”