Insisting there is nothing more pleasurable than being in full control, local man Nathan Edison told partygoers he doesn’t need alcohol to have fun or acquire a buzz.
“Oh this, this is a Cran-Raspberry Mocktini, I don’t need to drink to have a good time,” said a largely disinterested Edison after sneaking a peek at his cell phone to check if he hadn’t missed any notifications.
According to reports, Edison regularly enjoys taking full advantage of being able to drive home before 9 p.m. if a party has yet to commence going off the rails, usually employing this positive externality after five rounds of petting the host’s dog.
At press time, Edison was asleep in his own bed.
“I got a decent 8 hour buzz last night,” said a fully energized Edison at sunrise after cooking eggs benedict and a wild side menu of sweet crepes with caramelized pears.