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Morrison’s Children Not Going To School: Both Kids “Sick” At The Same Time

Scott Morrison’s children will not be going to school again this week after the Prime Minister and his wife have decided to extend their children’s “sickness” excuse.

When asked if his children were at school last week, Morrison replied that they were enrolled and would not answer the question directly.

Morrison has since told the media his children have both been “sick”.

Morrison is asking all children, teachers, and staff workers to attend school this week to save the economy.

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Top Stories

Morrison Responds To Iran Crisis By Booking A Trip To Hawaii

Prime Minister Scott Morrison has quickly responded to the escalating threat between the US and Iraq by booking a two week holiday to Hawaii.

“In a time of crisis, the best thing to do is let the states deal with it,” Morrison told reporters while packing his bags for his second crisis getaway in less than two months.

Morrison said he believed the Greens were to blame for Iran’s retaliatory strikes against the US.

Image: ABC

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Local

Israel Folau Blames Bonds Gay Underwear Ad For Victoria Bushfire Threat

Sacked Wallabies international Israel Folau has blamed the new Bonds gay underwear advertisement for the Code Red bushfire threats issued in Victoria.

On Wednesday, footage emerged of the born-again-Christian delivering another sermon at the Church of Jesus Christ in Kenthurst, claiming the latest bushfire threats are a message from God for Bonds to retract their new advertising campaign.

“I just spoke to God and he said, ‘A man and a woman should be together in a Bonds ad,’” Folau told those in attendance. 

“God told me, ‘You have changed the law and changed the ordinance of these things, look how rampant these bush fires, these droughts…all these things have come in a short period of time. Do you think it’s a coincidence or not?’”

“God is speaking to Bonds. They need to repent.”

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National

God Charged With Criminal Offences For Failing To Report Child Abuse

God has been charged with failing to report child abuse within the Catholic Church organisation.

A statement from the Catholic Archdiocese of Sydney said God had been informed of the decision.

The Catholic Church, speaking on behalf of God, says, “He wishes to remain silent”.

“He has maintained His silence since the beginning of time,” Victorian prosecutors said in a statement.

“It’s as if He’s not even really here.”

Image: Wiki

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Local

Christmas Card Has Way Too Much White Space To Fill

A Christmas card purchased this week for some relative has an overabundance of white space on the inside.

“Geez, are you kidding me? How the hell am I going to be able to fill all of that in?” thought local man Rohan Casey.

Casey steeled himself to fill in at least 50% of the white space in line with unspoken Christmas card writing conventions.

“Any less than 50% and it will look like I didn’t try,” said Casey.

Casey tried to come up with something original, however reverted back to some trusty fail-safe phrases beginning with “I hope”.

Casey was forced to finish off his message with, “I hope you have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year”, despite the almost identical phrase already being printed right in the middle of the inside of the card.

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Politics

Antony Green Declares Labor Victory In May 2019 Election

ABC election analyst Antony Green has declared a big Labor win in next year’s federal election within 6 months of counting getting underway.

At 11:00am (AEDT) today, Antony Green’s election computer was showing a 11.9 per cent swing to Labor, and forecasting 92 seats were likely to go its way in the 150-seat Lower House.

Green has forecast the cross bench to become the second major party in Australia projecting the cross bench party to win 24 seats.

“The fearmongering in the Victorian election failed, so I’m predicting a fearmongering campaign on boat people and terrorism to also fail in the federal election,” says Green.

“In fact, for all the tough rhetoric on asylum seekers, visa applications have actually blown out to record numbers on Peter Dutton’s watch.

“The people smugglers are doing more business than ever, with more people now arriving by plane rather than boat, and more of them unlikely to be genuine refugees.”

The Home Affairs Department website shows 27,931 protection visa applications were made in the latest financial year by plane arrivals.

Qantas CEO Alan Joyce hopes some of these arrivals will “volunteer” to work at the airport.

Image: ABC

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Politics

PM Says Encryption Bill Not As Important As Knocking Off Early For 3-Month Break

The government has clocked off at 4:30 p.m. on the dot today claiming that the pending encryption bill is not as important as their security of catching an early flight home for their 3-month holiday.

Scott Morrison called an emergency press conference earlier in the day to outline the grave terrorism risks to the population over the Christmas break if encryption laws were not passed.

“Labor needs to quit playing games and pass this bill by 4:30,” Morrison told reporters.

But the government was forced to delay the passing of the encryption bill to stop the votes on a bill allowing medical professionals determine if refugees needed treatment in Australia.

“I prayed and cried on my knees knowing that I may miss my early flight home,” Morrison tweeted.

According to the government, there is now a heightened risk of terrorism over Christmas.

UPDATE: The Labor Party has rolled over and allowed the encryption bill to pass in the Senate without amendments.

Image: ABC

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Local

African Gangs Vanish After Victorian Election

The overwhelming numbers of African gangs causing havoc around Melbourne have reportedly disappeared shortly following the Victorian state election.

Victorians say they now feel safe to put their bins out alone or even go out for dinner in the CBD.

“I feel safe enough to get out of my car now the election is over,” says one local man.

Analysts say Premier Daniel Andrews has either solved the African gang problem in a little over one week or the gangs have moved to Sydney for the upcoming New South Wales election.

Image: Pixa

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Politics

Crossbench Forms Minor Party

Liberal MP Julia Banks has announced she’s immediately quitting her party and will sit as an independent on the crossbench, prompting the crossbench to form a minor party.

The government now has just 74 members of parliament, after losing Malcolm Turnbull’s seat of Wentworth to Independent, Kerryn Phelps.

“Now we have seven members on the crossbench we are going to form our own political party,” Banks told reporters.

“The Crossbench Party of Australia.”

The Australian public is anticipating the crossbench to grow in numbers before the next election.

Image: ABC

Categories
National

Government Terrorizes Population With More Terrorism Announcements

The Australian government is terrorizing the nation with constant announcements about terrorism in the lead up to the Victorian state election.

The government has announced a meeting with Islamic leaders, the dangers of African gangs, the threat of encryption, and a bomb threat at Adelaide Airport all in the space of a few days.

Home Affairs Minister Peter Dutton outlined changes to terrorism laws to strip Australians of their citizenship in the wake of another terrorism threat at Adelaide Airport.

“These terrorists will be stateless and be forced to live on boats out in the high seas once they are released from jail,” Dutton told reporters.

“They will be known as terrorist boat people.”

Scott Morrison is yet to announce a meeting with Christian leaders over the threat of child sex abuse.

UPDATE: The Adelaide Airport bomb threat turned out to be a false alarm but proved effective for the press conference.

Image: ABC