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National

Cardinal Pell Says Alibi Is “An Invisible Friend”

Lawyers for George Pell say the disgraced cardinal has a “strong, credible” alibi and could not possibly have abused two choirboys in the sacristy of St Patrick’s Cathedral in the 1990s.

Pell’s defence disputed the evidence of the sole surviving victim, who cannot be named for legal reasons, saying Pell was with an “invisible friend” at the time of the alleged incident.

“I was with God at the time,” Pell told the courts.

Specialist appeals barrister Bret Walker SC, leader of Pell’s legal team, argued the victim’s claims were impossible given prosecution witnesses said Pell had been greeting parishioners at the time of the offending.

“God has said Pell was greeting parishioners at that time,” said Walker.

The case is expected to go to the High Court.

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Local

Retirees Now Asking How They Can Get Free Money Through Franking Credits

A record number of retirees are now quizzing their local members and questioning financial advisors about how they too can receive free money from the government in the form of so-called “franking credits”.

71-year-old retiree Beryl Hattie contacted a local financial advisor today to enquire about getting her free money.

“They told me I couldn’t afford to get the free money,” says Hattie.

According to AFR chief economist Ben Neuman only around 4 per cent of the population can afford to receive the cash handout.

“It’s quite easy to get free money from the government. You just have to be wealthy, and then invest in the stock market,” says Neuman.

“Many retirees and soon-to-be-retirees who thought they could receive some extra free cash were wrong. Firstly, they need to get rich.”

Image: Pixa

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National

Scott Morrison Pledges $48.7 Million To Build Endeavour Replica Used By First Boat People

The federal government has announced a multi-million dollar package to commemorate the arrival of the first boat people to Australia in 1770 – the same people who later invaded the country in 1788.

The money will go towards improving public understanding of the historical event of boat people scouting foreign lands ripe for invasion, Prime Minister Scott Morrison says.

Morrison said a “re-enactment” of boat person Captain James Cook’s journey would offer Australians insight into how “history is written by the victors”.

“That’ll be great for tourism and it will also be a great opportunity just to talk about ‘our’ history, of the view from the ship, and also to a lesser extent, the terrifying view from the shore ” he said.

“We’ve got great stories, including how aboriginal Australians were able to ascertain free childcare for the remainder of their children’s lives – it was a great initiative.”

The funding for the boat trip is part of a previously announced $48.7 million package to commemorate the 250th anniversary of the arrival of the first boat people.

“We will also spend $3 million on a monument at Botany Bay to honour our first boat person, Captain James Cook,” he said.

“We could have spent it on educating the public about the truth of aboriginal hardships resulting from the invasion, but that might unite the country and expose the ‘culture war’ as a political tool.”

Image: ABC

Categories
National

Government To Commemorate Fish Massacre By Calling It ‘River Day’

The federal government announced today it will commemorate hundreds of thousands of fish being massacred on January 6 in the Lower Darling River in New South Wales by naming it “River Day”.

Several massacres occurred throughout the river system after fish territory was stolen.

“It was only possible after we stole their habitat,” Environment Minister Melissa Price told reporters.

Cubbie station, which is the largest irrigation property in the southern hemisphere, was given a license to pump out the equivalent of 184,000 Olympic-sized swimming pools out of the Murray-Darling river system.

“River Day will largely be a celebration of all the cotton produced from the water that was stolen,” says Price.

“Who cares about the dead fish?”

Image: ABC

Categories
Politics

Constantly Changing PM Family Portrait Photoshopped Into Stable White Shoes

Yet another Prime Minister family portrait has been photoshopped into an image of a pair of white shoes and posted on the official government website.

Scott Morrison, wife Jenny and daughters Lily and Abbey have been photoshopped into the same white sneakers as the families of Malcolm Turnbull, Tony Abbott, and Kevin Rudd.

“It’s the fourth family in 5 years,” says the official photoshopper for the Prime Minister’s office Mason Roberts.

“It’s much easier to keep the shoes and photoshop the family.”

The shoes are white and therefore have a certain quality of stability suiting any attire the Prime Minister may be wearing at the time.

“They are way more stable than the acting government,” says Roberts.

Mr Morrison has hit back at the scandal with a hilarious joke on Twitter today posting a picture of his feet wearing a pair of white shoes accompanied with a balding joke.

Bill Shorten’s family will be photoshopped into the white shoes in May.

Image: pm.gov.au

Categories
World

Donald Trump Makes Surprise Visit To Wall Makers

President Donald Trump and the first lady quietly swept into a wall-making factory Wednesday to pay a holiday visit to builders, at last making good on the President’s promise to travel to a war zone.

After seeing the American war effort on migrants at close range for the first time, the President remained adamant that walls were the key to winning the war.

“These men are doing a tremendous job defending our nation – they’re really great guys,” Trump told reporters.

Trump awarded the workers with a silver cross in recognition of their service to the defence of the homeland.

“These men are the real heroes – bigly,” said Trump.

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Politics

Secret Corruption Watchdog To Take Advice From Boat Arrivals Department

Prime Minister Scott Morrison has announced a new anti-corruption commission which will be established alongside the department keeping boat arrival numbers secret.

Morrison said it was crucial the public had confidence in Commonwealth employees and agencies and this secret agency would restore that confidence by being secret.

“We will regain the trust of the Australian people by making an integrity commission that cannot hold public hearings and can’t accept complaints about corrupt politicians from the public,” Morrison told reporters.

“The commission will not be able to investigate retrospectively because I know as a fact that no one I speak to outside the Canberra bubble would want to see any of our members of parliament held to account.”

The integrity division, which will investigate parliamentarians and their staff, will only be able to investigate a specific set of criminal offences and can’t make findings of corruption.

“We have to be very careful in implementing bodies that investigate people breaking the law that made the laws.”

“Often we just vote them through and don’t even read them.”

The announcement was made just after the last sitting day of parliament for the year and just prior to the start of a very long break, with the government hoping it will be forgotten about by February.

Image: ABC

Categories
Local

Heiress Gina Rinehart Says She “Hates Being Called Heiress”

Australia’s richest woman Heiress Gina Rinehart says she “hates” being called “an heiress”.

“I worked my butt off being the daughter of my extremely well-to-do father Lang Hancock,” says Heiress Rinehart.

“I worked hard being born into a rich family.”

Heiress Rinehart says other women need to try harder if they want to be born into a rich family.

Heiress Gina Rinehart inherited over $75 million upon her father’s death in 1992, with the heiress succeeding him as executive chairman of the company Hancock Prospecting.

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Politics

Dutton Says He Broke Arm Torturing Kids On Nauru To Protect Australian Borders

Home Affairs Minister Peter Dutton has accused the Labor party of supporting a policy that will end his ability to torture children on Nauru.

“I broke my arm torturing those little bastards to help keep Australian borders safe,” Dutton told reporters.

Dutton has hit out at the opposition’s support of a bill to urgently transfer sick asylum seekers on Manus Island and Nauru to Australia, saying if he isn’t able to continue inflicting pain on these children “the boats will restart” – although the government has admitted to transferring around 90 per cent of the children to Australia already.

The government has kept all information about boat arrivals completely secret since 2014.

The government’s own website lists the number of boat arrivals for each year after 2014 as “N/A”.

“We’ve stopped the boats by keeping the number of boat arrivals to N/A,” said Dutton.

In reality, the boats have just been stopped mid-journey and forced to go back to their place of departure.

Image: ABC

Categories
National

Government Throws LGBT Children Overboard

The government has successfully suspended standing orders in the Senate to delay a vote on legislation to protect LGBT students.

The government has thrown children overboard in an attempt to avoid losing a vote in the House of Representatives.

“We live our values, we keep our promises, and we get things done,” Prime Minister Scott Morrison told reporters.

Labor Senator Penny Wong was pissed.

“Call an election instead of lying about this issue as you have through the Wentworth byelection,” said Labor Senator Penny Wong, “and shame on you senator [Rex] Patrick for aiding and abetting this.”